I'm not sure...

I can put up with this anymore. Between the lies, and the cheating, the pain and heartbreak...I'm just not sure I can handle it.

When I'm with you, I feel like I'm on top of the world. The things you say to me and the way you look at me, I feel like that's the best thing that could ever happen to me. Like I'm going to live forever, and do anything, and be someone, and no one can stop me. The way you look at me makes me feel like exactly the opposite of what everyone's told me my whole life. I don't feel ugly, or worthless when you tell me you love me.

But the second you're gone...I feel my whole world crashing down around me. I walk back into my house and I can feel the love and warmth and happiness just seep away as images of you and the other girl(s?) run through my head. And even though you say it's over and it's never going to happen again...How can I be sure? Isn't that what you said before...? And still, where are we again?

I don't trust you. Every time I try, and I start trusting you, you do something to screw it up again.

Am I not good enough for you? Is that why you keep doing this? Are you unhappy with me? Have I done something wrong? Am I not attractive enough?

What is it? Just tell me so I can fix it, because I don't want to live without you but I don't wanna go through this anymore. I can't do this anymore. When I ask you "why?" I don't want you to say you don't know. You did it for some reason. Just tell me what it is. What did I do, or what am I doing?

I haven't felt any sort of intimate, romantic, more-than-friends emotions for anyone since I met you...Isn't that enough to show you I love you?

My love for you isn't the question...It's vice versa. Do you really love me like you say you do? Or is this what you said way back when. You're only saying it to make me feel better about myself. To keep me from hurting on the inside.

I hope that's not what it is this time...

There's this strong dependency

between the two of us. I don't know if you've realized it yet, but we need each other. If we didn't, if it were just for kicks, we wouldn't still be talking. After you ended it,(the first time) the only thing you did before you left me was begged to talk to me the next day. I need to talk to you. You're oddly the only thing that holds me up. Never has someone hurt me so much emotionally, and then turned right around to kiss me and make it all go away. You don't care about the scars on my arms, you kiss meand make me forget. Forget about the pain and sadness I've experienced before and you take me to a whole new level of coping. I don't need to cut when I have you. There's an extreme level of intimacy, and so much emotion between us. There's nothing I wouldn't give to stay with you in your arms forever. Because when I'm with you, I forget. I like to forget. You're the exact kind of person I imagined myself with my hole life. INCLUDING the 'fucked upness' as you call it. I'm sorry to say this, but I love you. And to be honest, I couldn't be more excited. The one thing I've always wanted, but never believed I could have, and you gave it to me. Austin, we're gonna have a beautiful baby. : :)

I'm too scared to say this to you....

But there's so many different feelings I have for you. Yes, I love you.

But I don't trust you. Why do you keep lying to me? Why do you keep cheating on me?

And most importantly...Why do you look at me and tell me you love me? Why do you know exactly what to say when I'm having a bad day? Why do you have to make it so I can't stop loving you no matter how much I want to. It's painful. It's stupid. And I don't wanna do it anymore. I don't wanna be in love with you anymore. I don't want to HAVE to answer your texts or your phone calls. I don't wanna have to talk to you everyday.

I don't wanna lay in bed and think about you all day. I don't want you to know exactly what I like. I don't want to be with you. I don't wanna be in love with you anymore. I don't.

But I have to.

We stopped talking for two days. Those two days I laid in bed and cried all day. I couldn't eat, sleep, get up, shower...Anything. I hate it. I was fine before I met you. Now, I HAVE to have you. I have to see you. I have to love you. Cuz if I don't...I cease to exist. I'm all alone. I have nothing. The only thing I have is the memories of waking up and looking over at you, your smiling face. Listening to your soft, steady breathing. Waiting for you to wake up and start tickling me. The way you make me laugh. The way you always know how to make me smile, regardless of how much I want to.

Today is 11/11/11.

Tonight at 11:11, I'll wish that when it comes time for this happiness to end, I'll be able to get over you and leave my broken heart behind. I wish to leave my love behind in this small town and move on and have the potential to be happy. I wish to be able to raise our child to the best of my abilities.

I hope to god that this baby doesn't look exactly like you. I hope when it comes time to part, I'll be able to look at this beautiful baby and smile and keep my composure. I want to be able to get over you when the time comes. I wish...

I wish you could be honest. I wish you could keep your word. I wish you could love me forever, that way when it comes time for us to part and I can't get over you, you won't be able to get over me either. I know that's not going to happen though.

You don't cheat and lie when you love someone. You don't look at other people the way you look at the one you love.

I'm sorry.

But all in all,

I don't wanna love you anymore.

Nothing is ever

What it seems.

There are always the days when you look at yourself and think, 'today will be a good day'. Than you go through the day and you realize life has slapped a huge 'JK' sign on your day and you've become the joke of your own reality.

You meet someone who gives you a reason to live and makes your life worthwhile and they take it away ten minutes later.

They laugh at you, call you names, and tear you apart. For fun. For entertainment. For the sake of being a jerk. This world is full of assholes, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. You can't change the way people are, they must do it themself. There's nothing you can do.

No one reads this, and I completely understand, why would you? Why would anyone listen to a seventeen-year old girl rant about her life, when thousands of other people are doing way worse. In reality, I am the girl that no one can help, and no one would care to attempt.

Through sickness and in health, I am the girl standing outside in the cold, waiting for an answer.
I am going no where in life.
I never was, and I probably never will.
So why am I lingering? Why am I keeping myself here, and not ending my pain? Why don't I just do the world a favor?


Trust me. I've tried.

Nerves.

My nerves. My nerves are killing me, an pressuring me to kill everyone surrounding me. Well, Not everyone, some people are safe. I want to go ride my bike, stick my feet in the water at the park, and just talk. Today my memories of my past are eating me away,gnawing at my emptiness. Biting, crying, ad screaming for me to let them out, to tell someone. As I lay in bed last night, the silence of my surroundings, of my empty home forced me to delve into my mind and dredge up my past. My horrible, bloody, disgusting, suicidal, painful, homocidal past. It occurs to me that maybe I should find someone to talk to. Some one who won't judge me, or freak out at me. Someone who will keep me still when I rock backandforthbackandforthbackandforth. Somone who will talk to me, and let their voice drown out the screaming in my brain. There is so much to talk about. Theres so much talk. Talk about me and the things I have done. Theres too much hatred in their voices, and in their words. Do they see the pain I have locked up in me, the same pain that's pumping through my arteries and being forced in and out of my heart? Not the physical pain I've caused myself, the will never see that. Never. I will Never Show them That. I may sound pathetic, but there's no way I can do this on my own. The tickticktick of my internal clock is hurting my brain. It makes me twitch, makes me shake. My hearts steady thumpthumpthump keeps my clock ticktickticking. I have realised that if my heart were to stop thumping,my clock would stop ticking. Without a thumping heart, and without a ticking clock, there would be no hurting brain, no migraines. No twitching, and No shaking, no clinking, no clanking. The screaming and the pleading voices in my head would be eternally silenced.

The soft muffled thump of the knife being dropped behind my bed, out of sight would be never more. Only the soft, rythmic driopdripdrip of my blood hitting the floor, leaving a permanent stain. The scratchscratchscratch of the razorblade as it gouges out more of my flesh would be gone from my memory. The clinkclinkclink of the razorblade hitting the glass ashtray next to my bed on the bookshelf would not be heard again. the gentle wisps of smoke, bleeding through the air from the cigarette would be seen no more. No one would realize that the same patterns of smoke in the air were the same as the streams of blood on my skin. The bloody rag under my desk, once blue, now burgundy saturated with blood would dry up. My nerves would be steady, and My life would be silenced. I would be no more.

Control.

I think I know what it feels like to lose control. I seem to have lost control of everything, and the last of my days are spiraling past me too quickly for me to grasp. When it comes to grasping ideas, concepts, and truths, I guess I have slow reflexes.

Sick

So I am sick. This sickness (undiagnosed, for I don't care what it is) is putting red and purple blotches under my skin, every where on my body. I hope it kills me. I really hope that whatever this is that's making me bleed and vomit, literally kills me... Seeing as I don't know what it's called, I will call it a Thank You... The spots, I mean. I don't know what's causing them but I do severely hope that it does kill me. I am sick of life and I see no point in me living it, as I am not doing myself (or anyone else for that matter) any good.