What a Shame We All Became Such Fragile Broken Things

These lyrics pretty much describe how I look at socety. We don't even look at what matters anymore. Everyone is always talking about what they want... not what they need. They need to STOP and take a look at themselves in the mirror. I hate the people who jsut flirt and flirt and don't care that the guy they are leaving behind is dying every time she walks away. She doesn't even look at him anymore. She wouldn't even tell him that she found someone else. What a ho. She is constantly talking about the guys that she likes and she will never know how much she hurt him. She complains that she is broken, when that skank wouldn't know broken if it smashed a million dollar vase on her head. This is your night, so, smile. Cuz you'll go out in style. Yeah. I told him. He knows and he was sooo depressed and I almost felt bad until I realized that this was best. You don't deserve hima nd you can totally go fuck yourself if you don't like it. I love him like a buddy and you royally FUCKED with his mind. I could write it better than you ever felt it. You have no freaking Idea how much he liked you and you just figured AH what the hell, its attention and something to do. You played him like a college basket ball game. And for that I will get you back.

School is my sanctuary

and my hell. I go from being so depressed in my hole to being so happy at school where I get to see Kate and Cloe and all of the other people who make me feel that my life has a purpose. But there are also the people who make me feel as if I don't belong anywhere enar this planet. There are so many glances and stares that I don't know which to follow and which to disgard. I think I need help choosing what I do. I know that without certain people my life would be like sixth grade. non-stop drinking and all of my shirts blood-stained. There are few people who keep me from slicing down to my bones in anguish and I just want to thank them. So thank you to Kate and to Frances. To Cloe and to Ariel, brit and Ashley. I love you and You Are the only threads that keep me hangiing through this strange cruel life.

She wakes up

and stares around with amazement wondering "where the hell have I been". She feels like a squirrel that woke up early from hibernation. She woke to find the world changed. "what happened?" she wonders. Her face falls as she looks around at all of the faces she remembers are happy without her. She wonders if they remember her. She remembers happy, care-free loving faces. Her friends, who laughed and played with her as a child, have grown up. She just wants to go back to the times when they didn't have to worry about anything. Getting pregnant and drinking, smoking cigarettes and partying with guys? Where did this all come from? She remembers when swearing was naughty and playing with matches hurt. She looks at herself and finds changes that scare her. Its not the usual female changes that frighten her. It's the scars on her arms. There's X's and lines made of pure anger and hatred. Where. And why she asks herself. She wonders who did it. Then she remembers. Horrible memories of the past and present. Pain, sorrow hatred. Things she never remembers as a child. Like waking up from a bad dream with mom being there to comfort you. Well, here there is no mom. No daddy. There's a woman she doesn't know in place of Mama. Her daddy is gone. Daddy is married but not to Mama. She used to be happy. Shes scared. She gets up and walks around a house unfamiliar to her. Not a house, a trailer. It's sad and lonely. Dark and scary. She hears crying from a room far away and wonders who it is. She stands for a moment, listening to the small, weak sobs of a child. She walks back to the source of the cries. She pushes open a door. No, she thinks, That can't be Jake. The little boys she remembers smiling and laughing. Taking his first steps with her and watching Disney movies together. Where did it all go. Replaced by scars and fighting, love replaced with hatred and and anger, old friends mostly replaced with superficial robots with SLUT stamped across their forehead. Few people in this hole remind me of how good life used to be. I thank them now.

The last thing...

On my mind before I wake is Please, let me lie here for ten more minutes, before I have to get up and face the world which chews me up everyday and spits me back into my house of horrors each night like an anguished piece of gum. I can't bear to face the stares of the fellow students at school, the rejection of my former friends, the dissapointed glares of my teachers after assignment after assignment is marked tardy. I can't bear to go home, where my mom isn' t home and my little brother cries because his parents have officially split. The sound of his cries split my silent ears like a razor to the wrist. I can't stand going away, leaving my brother alone to cry alone. I don't want him to see me break down like last time. Seeing me cry only makes him cry harder. I want to sit and hold him and comfort him and be a good sister, but I don't know how to do that, without giving him the reality that mom isn't there to do so. I don' want to end up like so many of my "friends" who take care of their younger siblings because their parents are deadbeats. I want to be a joyous teenage with happy mother and a care-free nine-year old brother. But, that isn't going to happen. Today, I must stand up and take initiative. Jakobs older brother is ging to stay back in Milwaukee with his and Jakobs father, and I know Jake is ging to cry again. I just don't want to show him that I am so weak. He looks up to me. I know I should set a better example for him but somehow it always seems to backfire. Today, I will try to help him through what might be one of the toughest times of his young life. I will try to be a good sister ans he cries. When Justin steps into the car on his way to the bus station, I will hold my younger brother as he cries. I will try to avoid his sight of the scars on my wrists, becasue they scare him and I know that right now that is the last thing the poor kid needs.
I will.