My skin crawls.

For Environmental Science, we have to find an environmental issue to write about and make a poster. I was researching issues and I came across animal testing, which is an issue that I already had in mind. I searched a bunch of websites to see if that would be an isue that would be easy enough for my lazy butt to pursue. The problem is, when I went on MarsCandyKills.com, There was a gruesome video on jsut what kind of tests were performed and how animal testing REALLY looks. It's disgusting. Make-up, Hair products, Candy, and about a dozen other products I didn't even know could test on animals. This video literally makes me want to punch babies.

Help?

The words I'm longing to scream, longing to let flow. Help. More a question than an answer. Do I need help? Do I want help? No. I don't think these are the questions, as much as they are the answers. I can no longer hide the way I feel about anything. Nothing helps. Not anymore it doesn't. No sir, no ma'am. I don't even wnat to think about how many times I've tried to help myself and how many timies it's always backfired on me. It's all about take a stand or walk away. Well, what happens when taking a stand and walking away aren't options? What happens when the only thing that you are allowed to do is sit and cower in a corner until the beatings are over? What happens when you can't fight back and can't run away, can't hide? What happens when the last time was your last chance and there's no where left to go? What now?
Where do all the broken sould go and is there a place for people like me? I'm not broken, yet I'm not whole either. I wish I had a choice. I wish I could decide for myself and not have to base my decisions on who will get hurt if I do this or that. I wish I could be free of this everyday routine. This everyday procedure, almost as if I have to do it, or something awful will happen. I
Why? Not just why me, but why for all the other girsl and boys who have to live through torture. Just Why?

What the hell?

What the hell is going on in schools these days? I just watched one kid shove deck another one in the face and shove him head-first into the wall. There were two teachers standing right next to them. They watched him do it and then walk away. They walked in the opposite direction. They didn't ask the other kid if he was okay. They didn't punish the other kid... They just walked in the opposite direction like they didn't even see it. Why?

There's no way that they could have been in that big of a hurry. They are teachers. Their job is to prevent and justify that kind of behavior. What if that kid was really hurt? I'm glad that they give a crap about the student body and how the minors at this school are affected by the behavior of others.

Fuck school. I'm sick of this shit happening.

Today.

Today has kinda been a blur. A random freak of a few hours where I can't remember anything that I've done so far today. I don't remember waking up, getting ready, or actually going to school. Now that I'm here, I have no idea what has happened in the past three hours. I remember getting here. Walking into school. But after that it's like someone painted black oer my eyes and I have been looking through the eyes of someone else. Someone has been playing a movie in the back of my mind and it has been filming from the outside. I have nothing to live for today. Today is not a good day. I have concluded that so far today sucks. I have done nothing worthwhile, and will most likely go home and be a juvinile delinquent. Thank you and good nigt America.

Tiny Threaded Hearts

sewn into my wrists like the jeans I had when I was little. The pain from ripping them out is the worst, sweetest pain I have ever felt as if it sets off all of the triggers in my brain and wakes me from a deep slumber that I haven't experienced. I cannot deal with the pain only once, but feel the need to experience over and over. It's addicting. The tiny prick of the needle, the grotesque stinging as the thread is dragged through my skin. The look of the thread, white at first, red once it comes out. I love it.
I was always a cutter. But this is a whole new kind of pain, a whole new type of satisfaction.
When I rip these out, it makes a tiny pop sound. The breaking sound of my skin being ripped apart. Oh god, it's so good.
The best parts about all this? It's not as messy as cutting. It feels better. Gives me more time, more ability to concentrate because now I don't have to worry about cleaning up a pool of blood. The thread soaks up most of the blood.
I'll be at this for a while.